


You Couldn’t Kill Me

by Elfen1012



Series: The New Memories of J.J. Macfield [1]
Category: The Missing: J.J. Macfield and the Island of Memories (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Post-Canon, Spoilers, Trans Female Character, talk of transphobia and homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-30 22:49:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19037098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfen1012/pseuds/Elfen1012
Summary: A glimpse into J.J.'s life post the isle of memories as she does school work, kisses Emily and  confronts one of the many dominos that lead to that fated night in person. First of hopefully a few shorts to come.This game is so good ya'll seriously play it.





	You Couldn’t Kill Me

     "The design is a little advanced, but like the assignment said, it should be 3D printer friendly. I feel that even with prosthetics, we should give people some options to be… pretty or just stylish." 

     JJ felt uncomfortable justifying her design under any case, even with the blueprint defense meeting via webcam  Even more so awkward with her new voice. Somewhat shrill and artificial, but a work in progress that was more her than the default, and was only going to get better with practice. 

     Professor Goodman didn't do anything, had done nothing, and would do even less to deserve that trepidation. He was a real straight to tv movie friend and mentor. Someone that was in her corner without being loud about it. He never made a thing about what happened. His support came in a small pride flag coffee mug sitting on his desk in front of all the students. Dinner with him and Mrs. Goodman to remind her a bit of home where nothing hard had to be talked about. She even finally saw the mythical Star Wars with the whole family,  _ and Emily _ . 

     JJ didn’t have the heart to tell him it was overrated.

     "I like the retro look. Reminds me of old sci-fi with a bit of clockwork mixed in. I think you’re right, people aren’t machines. Expression matters on something they’ll ware. Thank you for reminding me.” But there was something else JJ found even more valuable in Goodman. “However, it’s too fragile a design. The fake clockwork will break in real life testing. I think you can find a way to design this motif in a more damage intensive environment. Your design is passionate JJ, and I love that, but this product would affect the quality of life for many people. I want your second draft to be even better, can you do that?”

     Professor Goodman looked up into his grainy camera and it was clearly somehow both expectation, and question. He could be compassionate on her terms in a way Mom wasn’t, but like so few others with ample compassion, didn’t go too far and treat her like a broken person. When the university pressured her into taking mental health drops for her courses this semester, and to be honest she needed it, Goodman decided he wasn’t included. He taped his lectures now, set up private webcam project meetings, and everyday was office hours if JJ needed it. He knew JJ could still do this, could still salvage at least one class this semester if only someone was willing to meet her half way. 

     "I can professor, but can the due date be the Wednesday after next?" That was invaluable, "I screwed up my birthday camping trip. Emily and I thought we could use the three day weekend and— "

     "Sure, you caught up pretty quickly. I'm glad you're getting some you time to yourself or close enough." He smiled slightly, just barely moving his mustache, never the most physically emotive professor even if he still gave off that weird healing aura. "I hope I'll have you next semester, you're a talented young woman."

     JJ was less subtle with her smiles. He never hesitated with the young woman line. He was better than most at seeming like he didn't do it on purpose, but JJ knew he did. 

     "Yeah, I'll be back on campus next semester. Biotech design at 3PM, I signed up today. Only 12 credit hours like I promised." Goodman was adamant she take off at the very most, just this semester, but was cautious about more than that flat 12. 

     “That’s the normal amount,” his head shook barely an inch, but the point was made, "but good. If it gets too overwhelming make an appointment with me and your consular." 

     " _ Okay mom _ ," JJ joked with a fake eye roll to cement the message. 

     "That bad?" He asked with an upraised eyes. 

     "No, about half." JJ let a smile show she wasn't too serious. It's strange how casual they had become. A good strange like a warm orange coke on a hot day. 

     "I'll work on it. See you next time. The shawl looks nice by the way." 

     “Thanks, I got it with Emily.” JJ gripped the red cloth tight as they shared a grin and the call ended, coursework closed for the day. 

     Taking in a breath, the last sound before stillness that came post click of her laptop closing, she began stage two of today. Emily's college apartment was as empty day to day as it was unseemly large, a nice factor from rich parents. Still, it made for a safe haven and JJ had all but moved in over this drop period. Just enough nothing to be safe from the world and just enough of Emily's aura to be safe from herself. 

     JJ took to her feet brushing off the wrinkles in her new skirt. A real skirt. One she wore at home exclusively, but it was hers and among many new outfits added to her previous poultry collection, all snug in Emily's needless walk in closet. 

     JJ had a laugh thinking about how much of her college stipend went to clothes lately and how much of a heart attack mom would have at that. Mom still wasn't exactly cool with the whole trans thing, or the lesbian thing, or anything, but there was an ceasefire of sorts. The no man's land being any discussion of it for any reason. JJ could exist as herself and her mother could talk about the new superfood JJ needed to eat and no one talked about the almost dying and the new appointments with  _ her, JJ’s _ , new doctors. Maybe Mom was scared of killing her again, maybe she was processing. JJ hoped she wasn't spending the peace building trenches out of contempt, but she would survive either way.

     The noose of her mother's hate couldn’t kill her. 

     Maybe chores. Emily's endless compassion didn't make her the best at dishes or cleaning. She was full of love and hope and everything JJ needed but she was a little rich girl and no one was without vice. So the slap of gloves had JJ filling for her. After that she could maybe make her bed, start on dinner. Do something to help. Every dish a thank you every cleaned spot a mushy love letter.

     She had to do something while Emily was in therapy. They had opposite week appointments so either could come to the others session in support. Except now JJ was bored, lonely, potentially a little horny,  _ odd _ , with not a tinge or smudge of her best-friend-girlfriend-hybrid to hold and bother. She couldn't even spam her with emojis without interrupting the session. 

_      Emily. _

     They had gone under a bit of a change in the last two months. Which is a bit stupid to need to say. They'd become far closer than best friends are supposed to be, far to fast for best friends to keep pace and neither were slowing down. They were together and at first JJ was scared to ask. Emily was gay and that's, like obviously includes her, but not everyone thinks that way and… well when she kissed JJ that fear swapped out with another truth. They were both too embarrassed to admit they never actually clarified if they were dating. 

     "Can I be your girlfriend?" JJ whispered and wrote on the freezer whiteboard. She made sure to add as many hearts and an F.K. doing a silly dance. Maybe ending it with nerd would make this possibly ironic? No one can look foolish being ironic… That sounded like a Philip maximum which sent JJs brows a wrinkling and hand up to wipe it away.

     But before she had a chance the locked turned and JJ went the way of dogs. Grabbing F.K.s disfigured body and skipped to the door.

     "JJ!" No one, no matter how smitten, stupid in love, even just ‘toss yourself into the meet grinder’ in love like JJ, could best Emily's radiant enthusiasm. If JJ skipped, Emily ran, wrapping her body in that kind of grasping hug where you could feel like two scoops of icecream mushing together. "I got you a gift!" 

     Didn't take much to guess the gift was donuts. Probably for them both. Mascara smudges got easier to see now that JJ was getting pretty good at putting it on herself.

     "It better be donuts or I'll cry," JJ said with a half grin, knowing Emily needed to feel heroic not guilty. 

     Tears were normal. God, JJ hadn't survived a session yet without a sobb and a half. It wasn't like JJs choice only affected one of them. It had ripples like waves. 

     "I got… so many…" Emily whispered like she was handling cluster bombs not Boston cremes. "I don't even know what I'm going to do with them." 

     "I once ate 271 donuts in a dream," JJ mused swaying close to Emily as swayed her backpack full of powder and jelly filled delights. "I have strategies in mind."

     "You're unstoppable." Emily whispered leaning into JJs approach. They were firmly pressed together again. Less like melted ice cream and more like— 

     She kissed JJ. Not for the first time and not like best friends. This whole thing not dating dating was dating no doubt. God they needed to talk.

     "Jackie?" Of all the voices.

     "Oh shit I forgot, a friend of yours was in the parking lot," Emily mumbled in an embarrassing rush. "If I turn around I'll explode from embarrassment."

     JJ smiled but for Emily and not for her friend. The disturber, the irritant. If the shut the fuck up sticker could be slapped on someone right now. JJ really didn't want to hear what Lily had to say especially interrupting this moment. 

     "Is that not the right name? I'm sorry." 

     "I prefer J.J. but I don't really care what  _ you _ call me."

     "I deserve that," Lily mumbled in the most unsatisfying revenge JJ had ever felt. She was always on the mousey side of things. Not a powerful personality as Abby or unflappable as Emily. On the shorter side, her hair looser than JJ was use to seeing. It was strange not to have the usual cat’s grin on her or the glimmer of her brown eyes. Instead she had a days long frown and a gaze that wouldn't pick up from her shoes, like staring would make them tie themselves.

     "Does your friend need to go?" Emily asked, a polite shell wrapped around a protective fury. The light of which made Lily somehow smaller. She could look at Emily, but each time recoiled from it.

     "No, it's fine," JJ declared, her off hand resting defensively on her hip, other hand brushing the bullshit from her eyes. "Lily, it's kind of creepy that you have Emily's address, but I know your harmless- _ ish _ ," that last bit was whispered, "What do you want?"

     "I, uh asked Philip, he told me, but he doesn't know, uh what I… I just felt it was important to say this in person I…" Lily glanced JJ finally, honestly, in the eye. She seemed… surprised… and reproached. "Your shawl looks really nice…"

     JJ sighed, F.K. seemed to almost glance from up from her arms.  _ Regeneration, growing.  _

     "Lilly, why don't you sit," JJ never could say no to anyone in trouble. Emily said she loved that about her, a trait meant to be preserved.

     "I'll get some drinks," Emily announced with a clap, twirling around with a smile making the most of an exit opportunity. She did make sure to brush JJs arm and mouth a clear 'I'm right here.' That got the heart melty, luckily for Lily. 

     "She's seems like a really nice person, are you uh—"

     "Emily is a very nice person."

     JJ wrapped F.K. up in her arms and took the seat opposite to Lily in a way that felt perversely like an interview. Though a court hearing might be better.

     "Ja— JJ. I have a lot to say and I'm a professional at making a fool of myself. Especially to you." She went a little red as she whispered another truth JJ awkwardly avoided. "I really doubt I'm going to say it all and it's muddled and— "

     "Breath," JJ mumbled in a voice unfamiliar to Lily 

     "Okay, JJ I'm so sorry. Everything is my fault I was so stupid I can't," little droplets started plopping onto her clenched up hands, a held sob that couldn't stop the flood of words, "I don't even have a good reason why I just couldn't shut my stupid mouth. I could have killed you I almost killed you. I'm a monster. JJ, how did I, why? What would I do if you died because of me."

     "Breath," JJ repeated coming out warm instead of the cold indifference she had tried. "I had wondered if you were the one that made that pag— "

     "No! God, no. I didn't do that. I would never, I don't know who did... but I probably," Lily gave an ugly hiccup and JJs stomach churned. There was always a complex thing to remember people who hurt her terribly, monstrously, and also remember them eating sweets with her and being normal happy friends. Reconciling evil acts with what wasn't an evil person. "I told some people, I don't even know their names, they asked me if I was going to ask you out and I just got so defensive I cracked. I was so angry, I didn't want to fall for a…"

     "A what?" The coldness was easier when tempered by a fresh emotional burn. Again Lily shrunk down and the feeling of vengeance melted into unsatisfying anger sludge. 

     "JJ… what I wanted to say is, that I am so sorry."  Lily embarked on a monumental effort to stay steady. "My stupid crush on you. I thought if you’re a girl… and I'm… because you're a girl what does that make me and I just… I'm so sorry."

     JJ's face scrunched up quite a bit, a series of ugly expressions she was sure. Some hate almost bubbled up like bile, she squeezed F.K who could always take it… stupid perverted dream doll… probably liked it. 

     Emily, aware of not saved her, coming in with trays of drinks. Water for Lily, diet retrobottle coke for JJ. There was a coffee likely for herself.

     "Here, for our guest." She snuck a small tissue box as she placed the drinks without a word of the mess Lily has become. Emily was just like that. "And your favorite JJ." 

     As JJ reached out for the soothing sweet drink the chill moisture on the bottle touching her surprisingly warm skin, Emily leaned in close. A whisper with her lips right up against JJs ears as she brushed away some black hair. 

     "Bad time I know, but of course, you already are dumby."

     Emily was gone before the meaning really hit her. A transformation upon her. First a snort. A shift of the lips resulting in a blush, then a giggle that folded into a laugh as Lily seemed so confused. 

     What was all this pain in the face of that? What was all of Lily's crimes to Emily's love?  This all felt so suddenly petty. 

     "Uh, JJ, I just… I'm sorry I don't know what to do and I don't expect you to uh return… I don't deserve uh, what I mean is I'm very very sorry."

     Lily seemed almost offended, mocked by JJs outburst, but nothing else really mattered to new love filled JJ. Right? Nothing. 

     "Fine. Buy me as many donuts as you can carry, I mean both arms and we can be…" JJ paused knowing better, "I don't know if we can be friends again but we can be… people who just met or something."  

     JJs offer was as good as it could get, better than anything Lily expected. Too good as it turned out. 

     "I'm serious JJ, I'm so sorry, but I'm serious!" Lily burst into even more tears, reserved JJ didn’t think could be left, eyes flaring with so much anger and hate and all of it was reserved just for herself. JJ knew the look. "I saw them pull you from the gym, there was so much blood on your doll. I see it every day. I spilled that by outing you. I hurt you and I can't fix any of it, ever!" 

     The blood, far more in the dreams, the pain and bright red wings full of pain. JJ knew the hot white flashes of pain still so fresh in her memory, even more picture perfect than the ambulance drive with Emily. As for the doll. F.K.s fur was not so dark and nothing would undue the scars on JJs arms, ever.  _ No one _ knew better that JJ. 

     "Someone told me, and I'll never forget it, that this was a story of regeneration," JJ didn't try to fight back her own tears, she was proud of her tears, the stream of emotion, the survival, "I'd rather think of it that way, it wasn't a catastrophe, it was proof hate can't kill me no matter how hard it tries."

     Her voice was shook gravely for someone who was unstoppable. A thin little twig, tall but lanky, never the image of traditional strength. But somethings can shake yet never break. 

     "So Lily, you don't need to be sorry for  _ maybe _ almost killing me, because the way I see it," one deep breath, one look. She didn't need to hold it, but for her, and in a way for Lily, JJ needed to look her right in the eye and smile.

     "You couldn’t kill me, I got promises to keep.."

**Author's Note:**

> so I played the Missing and omfg. I haven't been that impacted by a game in so long. It was like strategically planned to blow my ass out of the water. It hit me so hard in the week following I started writing again, scheduled my first HRT appointment, restarted my diet and reorganized my life. I never thought a game about THIS where I get to Lance my dysphoria, suicidal ideation and social rejection in the chest with a lightning bolt. It was such an affirming game that I just had to write something. Even if the fandoms dead I just had to. It's not my best work, I have no long term plans outside maybe one or two more parts of this series, but my heart had to say something. I just hope it was worth saying.
> 
> Thanks JJ, you never gave in, no cruelty could stop you from getting back up, I'll remember that next time I'm in the grinder.


End file.
